How Manipulative “Frenemies” Become Covert Operatives for the Narcissist Abuser

1. Emotional Spies

These frenemies gather intel under the guise of friendship:

They ask probing questions about your thoughts, plans, and feelings, pretending to care.

Then, they relay that information to the narcissist, giving them ammunition for further manipulation.

Example: You confide that you're thinking of leaving, and suddenly the narcissist starts love-bombing or threatening you—clearly tipped off.

2. Gaslighting-by-Proxy

They help distort your perception of reality:

“Are you sure he said that? Maybe you misunderstood.”

“She looked really hurt when you accused her—do you think it was fair?”

They twist your truth, making you question your memory, judgment, or instincts.

You start to feel crazy, but it's a coordinated campaign to destabilize you.

3. False Neutrality

They pose as peacemakers:

“I’m not taking sides, I’m just trying to help.”

Yet they validate the abuser’s version of events or suggest compromise where abuse shouldn’t be negotiated.

This encourages self-doubt and guilt in the victim for setting boundaries.

4. Strategic Loyalty

They switch sides to whoever is more powerful at the moment:

They’re affectionate and affirming when the narcissist is distant or discarded.

But the moment the narcissist is back in control, they cold-shoulder or shame you.

This is triangulation, keeping everyone on edge and uncertain.

5. Emotional Sabotage

They might:

Undermine your confidence: “Maybe you’re overreacting.”

Reframe the abuse: “Everyone argues. He’s just passionate.”

Isolate you subtly: “You don’t need therapy, you just need to let go of things.”

Side with the abuser during confrontations, even when you’re clearly being mistreated.

They appear supportive on the surface but are really pulling strings to keep you doubting, stuck, and under the narcissist’s influence.

Why the Frenemy Enabler Plays This Role

Social currency: Being close to a narcissist often means access to attention, status, or drama that feels exciting.

Fear of rejection: They know the narcissist discards people easily, so they align with them to avoid being next.

Codependency: Some feel powerful “fixing” others or mediating chaos.

Being  co beneficiary of the abuser's financial or social exploitation

Internalized misogyny or trauma: They may side with the abuser because it mirrors dynamics they grew up with.

To satisfy their own ego , jealousy and the sense of control over you.

To justify their compliance and enabling of the abusive relationship in the past.

The Psychological Toll on the Victim

You feel gaslit, confused, and alone, unable to trust your own perception or social world.

You may feel paranoid but can’t prove why.

The frenemy’s duplicity can hurt more than the abuse itself because it violates your sense of relational safety.

Signs You’re Dealing with a Frenemy-Enabler

1. They minimize your pain and always “play devil’s advocate.”

2. They discourage you from seeking outside help.

3. They constantly reframe the abuser as a victim.

4. You feel worse—not better—after talking to them.

5. They guilt you into giving more chances to someone who’s already crossed many lines.

Reclaiming Power

Cut off triangulation: Don't discuss your plans or feelings with people who report back.

Build a new circle—even if small—based on trust, not history.

Stay grounded in your reality by journaling, therapy, or support groups.

Name what’s happening: When you label their behavior (“This feels like manipulation”), you weaken its hold.