In families where one or both parents have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), children often find themselves assigned specific roles, such as the "golden child," the "forgotten child," or the "scapegoat." The scapegoat, in particular, is the child who bears the brunt of the narcissistic parent's emotional abuse, criticism, and blame. This role is an incredibly painful one, as the scapegoat is constantly blamed for any family problems, made to feel worthless, and scapegoated for things they didn’t cause. The narcissistic parent uses the scapegoat to deflect attention from their own flaws and to maintain control over the family dynamics.
While the effects of growing up as the scapegoat in a narcissistic family are deeply traumatic, it’s crucial to understand what happens to these individuals in adulthood. The emotional scars from childhood don’t magically disappear, and the experiences that shaped the scapegoat’s upbringing continue to influence their psychological well-being, relationships, and overall quality of life as they grow older.
The Scapegoat Role in a Narcissistic Family
Before delving into what happens to scapegoats in adulthood, it’s important to understand the role itself. Narcissistic families often operate in highly dysfunctional ways, with the narcissistic parent at the center of the family dynamic. These parents have an inflated sense of their own importance, crave admiration, and lack empathy for others. In order to maintain control, they create a family system that revolves around their needs, often with destructive roles assigned to the children.
The scapegoat is typically the child who is blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family, even when they have no responsibility for the situation. The narcissistic parent may accuse the scapegoat of being selfish, lazy, rebellious, or a failure. The scapegoat is often devalued, criticized, and ignored, while the golden child (the narcissistic parent's favored child) receives praise and validation.
The scapegoat often internalizes this constant criticism, believing that they are inherently flawed or unworthy of love and acceptance. Over time, this leads to emotional scars that can persist well into adulthood.
Psychological Effects on Scapegoats in Adulthood
Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth:
One of the most profound effects of being the scapegoat in a narcissistic family is the development of low self-esteem. From a young age, the scapegoat is told they are worthless, wrong, or not good enough. They may hear constant criticism or outright rejection, causing them to internalize these messages. As an adult, this can manifest as a lack of confidence, feelings of inadequacy, and a tendency to self-sabotage. They may struggle with imposter syndrome, believing they don’t deserve success or happiness.
Chronic Self-Doubt and Confusion:
The constant devaluation of the scapegoat often leads to a persistent sense of confusion about who they are. In a narcissistic family, the child's sense of reality is frequently distorted by the narcissistic parent's manipulation and gaslighting. The scapegoat is taught that their feelings, experiences, and perceptions are wrong or unimportant. As an adult, this often results in a chronic sense of self-doubt and difficulty trusting their own judgment. Scapegoats may also struggle to make decisions, fearing they will always make the "wrong" choice.
Difficulty with Emotional Regulation:
Growing up in an emotionally volatile and abusive environment takes a significant toll on the scapegoat's ability to regulate their emotions. Narcissistic parents often create an environment where emotional expression is either stifled or met with ridicule, leading the scapegoat to suppress their emotions in an effort to avoid further criticism. As an adult, this can result in difficulties with emotional expression, depression, or anxiety. The scapegoat may experience intense feelings of anger or sadness that they have trouble processing or expressing in healthy ways.
Inability to Trust Others:
Because the narcissistic parent manipulates and betrays the scapegoat’s trust, it is difficult for scapegoats to trust others in adulthood. The betrayal they experience from their parents becomes a template for how they view the world and relationships. In relationships with friends, romantic partners, and coworkers, the scapegoat may be suspicious, fearful of betrayal, or overly defensive. Trusting others can feel like an insurmountable challenge, leading to isolation and loneliness.
Hyperawareness of Toxic Relationships:
As adults, scapegoats are often highly sensitive to toxic or narcissistic behavior in others. Because they were conditioned to be hyper-aware of the narcissistic parent’s mood and needs, they may carry this tendency into adulthood. This can lead to unhealthy relationships where they are constantly on edge, anticipating conflict, or trying to avoid criticism. It can also result in scapegoats entering relationships with narcissistic or emotionally abusive individuals, recreating the patterns they experienced as children.
Relational Challenges Faced by Scapegoats in Adulthood
Difficulty Forming Healthy Relationships:
Having been denied love, affection, and support as children, scapegoats may struggle to form healthy, balanced relationships in adulthood. They may enter relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable, abusive, or narcissistic because they have not learned what healthy love looks like. In some cases, they may accept mistreatment or remain in toxic relationships because it feels familiar or they may subconsciously believe they deserve the mistreatment due to their upbringing.
Codependency:
A common issue for scapegoats is the development of codependency. Having been raised to focus on meeting the narcissistic parent’s needs at the expense of their own, scapegoats may become codependent in adult relationships. They may feel compelled to take care of others, even to their own detriment. This tendency often leads to one-sided, emotionally draining relationships where the scapegoat puts their partner's needs first, neglecting their own needs for validation and care.
Fear of Abandonment:
Scapegoats often live with a deep-seated fear of abandonment. Their narcissistic parent may have emotionally abandoned them or made them feel as though they were unworthy of love or affection. This fear of being abandoned can manifest in adult relationships, where the scapegoat may be overly dependent on their partner or afraid of being rejected or left alone. This can lead to a pattern of clinging or anxiety in relationships.
Difficulty with Authority Figures:
The scapegoat's experience with a narcissistic parent often involves a lot of criticism, control, and manipulation. As a result, scapegoats may have difficulty trusting authority figures or feeling comfortable in structured environments. Whether it's in the workplace or in social situations, scapegoats may challenge authority or experience anxiety around authority figures because of their negative experiences with their narcissistic parent.
Healing and Reclaiming the Self: Steps Toward Recovery
Healing from the trauma of being a scapegoat in a narcissistic family is a long and challenging process, but it is possible. Here are some steps that can help scapegoats reclaim their sense of self and break free from the legacy of their upbringing:
Therapy and Professional Support:
One of the most important steps in healing is seeking professional help. Therapy can provide a safe space for scapegoats to process the pain, confusion, and trauma they experienced as children. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and trauma-informed therapy can help scapegoats develop healthier thought patterns, manage emotional regulation, and heal from the wounds of their upbringing.
Rebuilding Self-Esteem:
Scapegoats often struggle with deep-seated feelings of low self-worth. Rebuilding self-esteem involves learning to validate and nurture oneself, rather than seeking validation from others. Practicing self-compassion, acknowledging achievements (no matter how small), and identifying and challenging negative self-beliefs can help improve self-esteem.
Setting Boundaries:
Scapegoats often struggle with setting boundaries because they were never taught to value their own needs. In adulthood, it’s crucial for scapegoats to learn how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. This includes saying "no" when necessary, protecting their emotional well-being, and refusing to tolerate toxic or abusive behavior from others.
No Contact or Low Contact with the Narcissistic Parent:
For some scapegoats, the only way to heal is to cut off contact or severely limit contact with their narcissistic parent. This can be an incredibly difficult decision, but it may be necessary for the scapegoat’s emotional well-being. Maintaining a relationship with a narcissistic parent can continue the cycle of abuse and manipulation. Establishing boundaries or going no contact can help break this cycle and allow the scapegoat to heal.
Finding Support Groups:
Connecting with others who have experienced similar trauma can be incredibly healing. Support groups for adult children of narcissistic parents (ACONs) provide a space for scapegoats to share their experiences, receive validation, and gain insight into their healing process. These communities offer empathy and understanding, which can be deeply comforting and empowering.
The effects of growing up as the scapegoat in a narcissistic family are profound and far-reaching. As adults, scapegoats often carry emotional scars such as low self-esteem, chronic self-doubt, relational difficulties, and a pervasive fear of abandonment. However, through therapy, boundary-setting, and self-compassion, scapegoats can heal from the trauma they endured in childhood and begin to rebuild a healthy sense of self. By understanding the emotional wounds of their past and taking steps toward recovery, scapegoats can free themselves from the toxic influence of the narcissistic parent and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships in adulthood.
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